Haiku to Edit 1 Variations

Global Haiku • Millikin University • Fall 2010

tea made
sittting outside
the sun rises

This haiku has lovely imagery. However, it covers three different things. A reader can absorb and enjoy a haiku better if they have only one or two things to think about. I tried to make a connection between the sun and and tea, by using the outdoors.

the sun rises
the shimmered tea
beauty of outdoors

freshly brewed tea
warmth of the rising sun
glory of the outdoors

tea we made
together outside
sun rises

tea made
sitting outside
the sun rises

the tea steaming
from our twin coffee cups

sitting outside
with tea made
the sun peeks over the horizon

sitting outside
the pale morning sky
matches the content of my teacup

sunrise tea
we sit outside
no words needed

Ally Staudenmaier

I thought that adding the “no words needed” helped show who was sitting outside drinking the tea, rather than leaving it completely open. Ambiguity can only go so far.

the sun rises
we sit. warmed
sipping sweet tea

on the front porch
sipping tea
as the sun rises

brushing the sticky sand
from the
backs of my legs

brushing away sand
day at the beach
remains on my legs

brushing the sticky sand
from my legs
under the summer glow

sticky sand
brushed away
by calm winds’ grace

frisbee whizzes
past cold nose
clouds of slobber in the sun

puddle of slobber
as Frisbee whizzes
past man’s best friend

long strands of hair
draped over her eyes

her eyes hide
behind curtains of hair
watching the rain

hiding behind
long strands of hair
her beautiful eyes

Beth Ann Milneck

tattered quilt,
banana bread
warm breeze in her hair

crumbs on a tattered quilt
breeze in her hair
warm banana bread

banana bread crumbs
scattered on the quilt
he sets a strand of hair behind her ear

tattered quilt
spring breeze in her hair
warm banana bread

ocean’s breeze
lost ‘neath tattered quilt…
in warm banana bread

two girls walk by you
a silent tear

a silent tear
their skirts laughing
as they skirt past you

a silent tear
their skirts laughing
as they pass

silenced tears
two girls whisper by

two girls pass by
my silent tear.

silenced tear
two girls whisper by—

his silent tear
by her

two girls walk by
silent tears

Jessica Golden

two girls pass
one silent tear falls

a trail of footprints
with each rolling wave

rolling waves
grandma's footprints
fade away

her footprints
fading away
with each new wave

bonfire ashes—
footprints fade away
in the waves

caressed by rolling waves
ghost footprints
whisper in the sand

with each rolling wave
her trail of footprints

followed by waves
our footprints

that’s my brother
knock it off

locking heads
the brothers joust
for the first slice of pie

Kale Ewing

mom in the doorway
arms crossed

surprise headlock
I yell knock it off
that’s brotherhood

too young
to know she is
too pretty for him

returning his ring
too young to know she is
too pretty for him

gazing at him in a puddle
still too young to see
her own beauty

Too young
Staring at her reflection
Too pretty for him

This haiku is almost directly stating a sentence. Giving it an indirect approach can give a sense of mystery. This change can provoke different interpretations from readers. Perhaps adding a feature of the girl can help.

unaware of
her superior beauty
silly girl

youthful girl
her beauty
exceeds his

too young
unknowingly nieve
too pretty for him

he holds her wrists
too young
too pretty for him

mom whispers too young
to know you are
too pretty for him

too pretty for him
too young
to know

distorted mirror
too pretty for him
too young to know

in her mirror
restlessly combing her hair
she’s too good for him

combing her hair
the mirror says what she cannot
she’s too pretty for him

the mirror reveals
what she is
too young to see

high school drama
too young to see
she is too pretty for him

in his car
too young to see
she’s too pretty

This edit gives the situation more of a setting. It could be that they’re driving somewhere on a date, or one of those nights pulled over on a back country road, but either way we can get a clear picture.

On the phone
Naivety on the other line…
Far too pretty for him…

too young
freshman ball
too pretty for him

crying in her mother’s arms
she’s too young to know
she is too pretty for him

her mother’s heavy heart
knows her little girl
is too pretty for him

Kelsy Whitney

juice from the apple
on the tip of Pocket Knife
wetting his stubbled chin

dribbling down stubble
apple juice
lingers on the knife

apple juice
on the tip of Pocket Knife
hist stubble chin

Brittany Falardeau

© 2010, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.